You may not believe this. Friends certainly haven’t when I have used the term to describe myself. In my mind, though my eyes though it works perfectly and completely sums me up. I am the ultimate “extroverted introvert”.
Whilst appearing amiable on the outside I am not, contrary to popular belief, overtly sociable, and if given the choice to go out and talk to strangers or stay in the comfort of my own four walls, I will always choose the latter. You really have to drag me out by the ear and in the past that attitude has got me in to trouble. I’m the girl who gets in a panic about how I look, what I am wearing and what people will think of me, how I act and what I say. How will I stand up against all those amazing other humans? It’s quite shameful really. I’m a grown woman in theory. Yet something about socialising makes me panic like a teenager on a party night. I can throw clothes in the bin or make an excuse not to go as much as the next person, but I have also been known to get myself in to a bit of a state. But then when I do get out there, within three minutes I am okay. I am the “chatty, over excited to be here” person. The buzzy girl, not the one with lurch in the pit of her stomach and the fingers crossed behind her back. But I’ve always got an escape route. But that’s just when I’m out. Heaven forbid it if you ever come to mine. Then it really cranks up. I turn into a maniacal, perfection obsessed, weirdo. You should see me at Christmas. It’s exhausting. I wish one year I could just stay in my pyjamas and eat oven cooked pizza instead of getting swept up in the humongous faff of it all. But we take one for the team there don’t we? And I am slowly but surely learning to let things slide. To try, as my counsellor once said, not to be “Awesome Kate” all the time. It’s too tiring caring what people think. Especially when those people aren’t actually judgemental, cruel or bothersome and are in fact extremely lovely. You’re worrying for no reason and that makes no sense. You don’t need to put on a game face, suck it up and make everything flawless. That level of upkeep does no one any good. Trust me. Sometimes I can’t help it, but mostly I am trying to relax. And when someone says, “how are you, are you okay?”. I am not reverting to the word that means nearly nothing at all: “Fine”. That is the least helpful reply invented to deaden any true sensation of feeling. “I’m great”, “I’m okay” or “I’m struggling a bit” will do just wonderfully, thank you. And I am trying to not worry so much. I am attempting to fill those extroverted shoes I have projected out on to the world whilst giving my introverted self a break. She doesn’t need to be beaten up over things. She does that enough on her own.
But I’m not sure that this giving oneself a break and trying not to sweat the small stuff is quite in keeping with my usual New Year resolutions. Is it really the perfect time to change or edit yourself when, lets face it, January mostly sucks. Who wants to give up stuff now? I just want to hibernate. And I wonder how many people have already given up what they gave up? I did stick to last year’s. I gave up adding a sugar to my tea last year and yes that is a big deal and yes it is really hard. I now find sugary tea to be quite heinous, though at the time I kicked and screamed about how I would ever be able to consume my beloved cuppa ever again. I don’t do Dry January. I’ve had three kids and those 27 months of pregnant sobriety is enough to last me a lifetime. Besides, giving up is so defeatist. So I am doing none of that malarkey this year. Give up on life or give up on someone? I don’t think so.
As you know, this past little while I have been taking up things and I have been banging on about it these last few posts. I started my painting classes and they are amazing. And I’ll keep working down my list, slowly but surely adding things to my little world. But the one other thing I want to conquer is this introverted me. So this year I vow to see more of my people. Those people who make me feel relaxed and not worried. The ones who’ve known me of old and see my flaws and love me anyway. For this year’s resolution I have decided to try to hook up with friends, past buddies, old folks who we don’t or can’t see as often as we’d like.
I seem to host a fair bit, but as mentioned I am fairly intolerable at it. The pain in the arse mode I revert to whilst taking great pains to arrange candles everywhere and hoover like a crazy person, makes me forget that people might just want to come around to see my face, and they do not really give two hoots about the state of the kitchen floor.. Well, within reason. Over the Christmas period I dropped turkey brine all over the place, to the destruction of my slippers and the sheer horror of my meat averting, salmonella fearing sense. The week before that it was a tin of vanish. On a polished wooden floor. I need to take out investment in kitchen paper towels and end this stress induced clumsiness. But I digress. I just need to get out more. And maybe meet people in the middle. And I don’t want to have a panic attack to get there but I do want to push myself to go outside the comfort zone and through the front door. To be well and to be happy and surround myself with awesome people who make me feel good. That’s a good resolution isn’t it? So if you haven’t seen me for a while and live within a few hours drive, I am coming for you! Get ready.
40 for 40 